You tried to ruin me

You tried to ruin me, but I didn’t know any better.

From the first day I met you, I’ve already knew I was trapped. When you were sixteen and people told you they loved you, you believed it, and I did. When you told me you loved me, I knew there was no escape for me. Your eyes, your hand, your warmth, your heated, passionate spirit of a young man – who could resist all that. I fell right into your traps.

Then we were 18. I went to college, you didn’t. You made sure to come to my dorm very often to scare away all the guys that were interested in me. You took me away in your ugly hotrod, to all the beautiful places in the middle of nowhere. Just empty nature of trees, of birds and of us. You told me one day, when you’d make more money, we would go to fancy places like the city folks often do. When you made lifetime promises like that and I said yes, I knew that was it for me. You cornered me for life.

Out of nowhere, you told me you would join the Marines. You didn’t station far but I could only see you during the weekends and holidays. At first I thought that was bad. Then you got deployed. For six months, I didn’t get to see you at all. That wasn’t fair. We waited four years for me to graduate then you left me for half a year on deployment, immediately after only half a year into our marriage. But there was nothing I could do so I let you go.

After you came home from your first tour, we finally got to enjoy our marriage life. We made enough money to go to the fancy places like the city folks do. It took years but you kept your promises. You always do. And I will always remember you as a man of his words.

9/11 happened and you said you had to go. I shouldn’t have let you go. I should have never let you go. I know, I shouldn’t say that. There are many of your colleagues here today. They now would all think how unpatriotic I am for thinking that I should keep you home while the country was in crisis. But…you didn’t come home. You never came home anymore. They gave me a flag and asked me to make a speech at this ceremony. No, not a speech, a eulogy.

I knew very well, that in a eulogy, I should say about how good you were as a man. But all I could think of was how angry I was with me and with you. I should have never let you go and you should have never been such an amazing man. You were such strong, loving and patient of a man that when I found you, I thought I would never need anyone else. You were all I ever needed. You trapped me in your love. That now, when you were no longer here, my life went down the drain with you. You tried to ruin me and you succeeded. My whole life I have not learn to love anyone else but you. So what do I do now?

The only forgiving point I could give you was that you also dedicated your life to me. For your whole life also loved nobody else but me. And didn’t you love me well.

So I hope you rest in peace. May you go to a better place where only the best humans on Earth get to go. I hope you are proud of all the things you’ve achieved, you are proud of me and you are proud of the man you grew up to be. Because I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. But you already knew that. You knew that since we were sixteen.

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