Life

I only have me

I used to date guys that are ashamed of me. Each of them did for a different reason.

One was ashamed of me because I didn’t speak flawless English. Sometimes, when I didn’t know the right words, I substituted or tried to explain or just simply waved my hands around. And he was ashamed of me for that, for the lack of knowledge when speaking in a non-mother tongue language. Nobody found that was a big problem but my then-boyfriend thought it was.

There was a time one of his friends from his hometown visited. We were walking and talking about TV shows. His friend was talking about the show called Scrubs. I said I never watched it before but I was wondering out loud why would a show about doctors called Scrubs? I thought Scrubs was as in scrubbing the floor. I still remembered my then boyfriend’s face of “how could you not know this?” disgust and confusion. Meanwhile, his friend just simply said “Ah, the uniform thingy that doctors and nurses wear, they were called Scrubs.” My then boyfriend asked me if I could go home first so he could hang out with his friend alone.

There was another one that thought I was too fat for an Asian girl. I wasn’t even 130 lbs. He was ashamed of me for not being skinny enough.

There was a time I was jokingly asked whether or not I was pretty, and he said “no.” Just a straight up no with nothing else following up. That was the first time ever in my life, someone I cared about told me I wasn’t pretty. And I always remembered that deeply because I believed I was pretty, then and now.

I broke up with all of the exes that was ashamed of me. Because the whole time, I always liked myself. My little tweaks of language here and there was the proof of me being fluent in two languages, enough to even have a college degree in a language that wasn’t even my mother tongue.

My little ‘chubby’ body was not at all unhealthy since my BMI was completely normal. I made all my meals. I worked out. I took good care of myself.

Despite all the strange point of views my then boyfriends had of me, I had never not loved myself. I had never not believed in myself. I was comfortable with who I was and I’m enjoying who I am. I hated the moments they made me wondered whether or not I was enough. It wasn’t like me to doubt myself, and I hated that somebody made me do that to me. I only have myself to carry with me through the rest of my life so I wanted to treat myself the best that I can.

Fiction

To regret no more

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I try to not regret anything because it is useless. I’m trying to be a more efficient person so anything useless, I should no longer do. I know regretting is a waste of time. I still regret the small things. I wished I had chosen the beef when ordered earlier because this fish tasted horrible. I regretted drinking too much last night and now I had a hangover with banging headache, and I swore I would never drink again. I regretted that sentence as soon as I said it out loud. I knew very well that was not ognig to happen. I knew it is difficult to not regret anything, but I’m learning to. I’m trying. Now, I don’t regret the big decisions in my life anymore. I don’t regret staying with you through all that time. I don’t do that anymore.

It may be because time has passed and I’m not that hang up on you anymore. Time does heal everything. But I would like to think that there’s a deeper meaning to me not regretting. It’s that I’m older and wiser and I make my own choice about my feelings.

Things end badly between us. I don’t know why I have to clarify the “badly” part. If everything was still good, we wouldn’t end things. Though things end between us, the time with you was one of the best times in my life. And now I think about it, that shouldn’t be something I regret. I loved you dearly and I should be happy that I had a chance to do that. Many others didn’t even have the opportunities to love someone as deeply as I did love you. That warmth and that comfort from loving someone, I won’t forget.

Since I loved you too deeply, anyone comes after you will have to suffer my own scrutiny and comparison. But you know what, I may never feel enough again, but I’d rather have a high standard and know what true love feels like.

Talking about true love, I realize an important thing. “True love” is a process, not a term for result. I may experience true love but there’s no guarantee of “happy ever after” coming with the true love. Loving someone a lot is not a good enough indicator for a happy ending between us. I should not assume the correlation so I can be less surprised and less disappointed in the future.

I used to regret meeting you because my heart was still hurting. But now I don’t know why I regretted such thing. If I didn’t meet you, there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t meet anyone else. That guy would probably break my heart too. You are an amazing person. So I’m ok that the person breaking my heart was you. At least I know when you broke my heart, you were hurting too. That made me feel less like a fool.

So well, in conclusion, regretting can’t change anything so I’m trying to forget and forgive instead. Not you. I’m not trying to forgive you. You are no longer in my life so it’s no longer relevant what I think about you. I’m trying to forgive me, to let myself know that the decisions I made then was the best I could do. I did try my best. So I shouldn’t’ be so harsh to myself now. I should go easy on me.