Sometimes you are just sad. You’re melancholy sad. You don’t need to think about anything in particular or need an actual good reason. It’s that feeling when you listen to a song or when you watch a movie or when it rains. When you listen to a touching song, you have this feeling rising up in you. It feels close but it’s not sadness. It’s a melancholy feeling of you sensual soul pinching your heart. That’s why it aches but never actually hurts. That’s why holding a cup of tea while watching the rain warms your soul.
When I was a teenager, that feeling came more often. I couldn’t tell you how many essays and poems I wrote about rains. Now, I hate rains. It’s wet, windy and gloomy. But sometimes when I was in a good mood, I found those mild sadness again. And when that feeling came I tried to fully submerge in it. I would stand there watching the rain through the window. I just stood there and stared, and not think about things much. To me that feeling is the romantic side of the mind. If’s the same feeling of when you watch the waves crashing the ocean shore. You can’t help it but have those feeling in you. And remember, its’ the romance.
I read a little article recently about calling out your emotions. It’s a circle that tries to explain and name every emotions we can have as a person. I understand that it’s a good tool for mental health but in a normal daily, I really appreciate the vagueness of a feeling. That no-name feeling that suddenly washes through you sometimes and you can’t control it. It comes and pinches your heart so you know that your heart can still shake the time calls for it.
I live in New York City. Day by day taking the subway to work and home, each way takes an hour. I spent so much time on the train. The train I often take runs above ground majority of the time, which is rare for New York subways. The train runs on an elevated platform. From there, when it passes by certain areas, you can see New York City for all of its glamor. From the Chrysler Building to Empire State, they stood there proudly and significant. I know many people who would kill to get to live here and see this view everyday. But me, I live here. The magic fades away a little bit everyday. A tall building is just a tall building, and Times Square is just a really busy area that you try to avoid going by.
I take the train in the morning. I’m too tired to pay attention to anything. I often just fall asleep on the trains, snoozing my mind away. Then when I’m back from work, I’m already too tired to look. I’m just sitting there counting the stops in my head. If you live in a city, you’d know. Everything is glamorous but nothing is exciting anymore. And every time I got on a train, I’m tired, and sometimes I feel guilty about it. I could have read more on the train. I could have write on my phone. I could look at the windows and appreciate the views. But I’m just tired.
But some good days, I looked at the windows. Sometimes, when passing by a good view, the right music was playing in my headphones. It flooded me the feeling of appreciation. I understood how people loved those buildings. The top of the Chrysler building lighted up in the night. Some day, you just can’t help but feel the romance of life.