Fiction · Life

I remembered where I was

I always remember where I was when someone told me something bad had happened. In New York, people often said “You always remembered where you were on 9/11”. I do remember that, and I also remembered so many other things that were much personal. I remembered where my first heart break was. It was on a bench in the school yard. I remembered my second heartbreak and my third too. But I can’t remember where I had my first kiss.

I remembered where I was when mum told me great grandma passed away. I was lying on my twin air mattress in the tiny rental room. I was just lying there crying because I was too poor to get a ticket to go see her. Since then I kept a box on my desk, collecting every pennies and singles I had. I got in there exactly $1000 so I always had a ticket home.

I remembered where I was when my brother called me, telling me granddad passed away. I was in a brewery laughing with a friend a second before. I snapped at my brother telling him to not joke with me, that I just saw grandpa 2 days ago, that as soon as I got home the first thing I did was going to see him. I remembered my brother’s voice quiet on the other side “why would I joke about this?” and I flew out of the brewery.

The pains of all those news I still carry with me everyday. It’s like having a sharp pin in my purse. Though I carry it with me, I mostly forget about it. Until I try to reach in to grab something and it pokes me. Sometimes so hard that I bleed. But I carry them around still, and I remembered exactly where I picked up each of those pins.

Fiction

and you would leave, right?

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I was certain that one day when I woke up you would leave

Because I was so happy

I couldn’t believe anything this good would ever happen to me

It was all a fleeing dream

right?

That good things always end

That the heartbreak would send me over the cliff

and in a jiff I will be alone all again

right?


Except

you are still here

curled up in your blanket right near my heart

holding a part of me that I never knew I had

and I’m glad

Fiction

You

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The way your beard brush against my face

making me tickle

and your Adam apple moves when you talk

The way your nose buried

into the nape of my neck

and your hair feels like soft sand paper

The way your eyes smile

with sparkles from the stars

You smell like cigars and fresh grass and morning dew

You taste like tea and honey and warm milk

And I realized I’m so in love

I can’t wait till tomorrow to love you

I can’t wait “till death do us part”

You are my comfort and my glory

Cause this life, there’s no victory like having you.

This post is a little response for the Go Dog Go Cafe Weekly Prompt. What a great prompt this week!

Fiction

Waiting for the bus

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She sat on the fence looking over the main street. From here, she could see a little bit of the bus station. There was no other way to get to town besides driving and taking a bus. Jim wouldn’t have a car. She was the one dropping him off when he left 2 years ago. When Jim came into town, he would have to take the bus. Where she was sitting was the best seat in the house to keep an eye on the bus station.

“Hey,” a voice came from behind with a tap on the shoulder. She startled.

“Oh my god. Doc, don’t scare me like that!” She let out a sigh of relief, realizing it was just her family good old vet.

“Still waiting huh?” he lighted a cigarette and motioned to ask her if she wanted one. She shook her head.

“The bus was a little late today. Should have came already.”

“Fern, honey” the vet hesitated, “do you still think he will come back?”

“Yeah, I do.” She could hear her own voice light as a feather. “He will be here any day now.”

The vet took a drag from his cigarette, “Fern, the war ended a while ago. Even the last few Americans were taken out of there in April. You don’t think…”

“He said he would be home for my birthday this year,” she cut him off. Her eyes didn’t move from the bus station, “he still have some time. You knew Jim, he’s a man of his words.”

“Fern…” the vet moaned

“As long as,” her voice was shaking “nobody brought me any notice. I can still wait.”

The vet didn’t say anything else. He put his cowboy hat on and leaned onto the fence. He smoked slowly while looking at the same direction Fern did. The sun started to set over the horizon. The dark orange shade of sunset covered the town with a deep sense of nostalgia. Another day was soon to be over.

The wind blew by and she could smell the diesel in the air. The bus was arriving.

Fiction

The town where nothing ever happened

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“As soon as I’m old enough, I’ll leave this town. I’ll leave it so fast, people wouldn’t even know I’m already left.”

I remembered you told me so when you were 14. I remembered you saying that while cleaning your dad’s truck. He was so strong, so healthy back then. He was the typical ranch dad that you both loved and hated. He was tought but he loved you. You knew that. But him loving you wasn’t enough to keep you from wanting to leave. Because living with him was a pain. Trust me, I knew! I was your neighbor anyway.

I remembered you were so excited for your 18th birthday. It was in June right? School just ended. You had your high school diploma in your hand. You waved it at me while riding on the back of you buddy’s truck. You told me you were leaving this town next week. You were going to a big city. I forgot which one now, but I guessed it didn’t matter anymore. You never got to go.

That day when that tree branch dropped on your dad and hit his head, it killed both your dreams and lives. A man who used to be tough, strong was then paralyzed from the waist down. What were you going to do? Leave him alone in this goddamn town while you left to go somewhere for yourself? You couldn’t do that.

He loved you. You were everything he had. And you knew you were everything he had. All the money you saved up to get away was then used to pay for his hospital bills in the city. Thanks to that, he was only paralyzed from the waist down. Our local “hospital” said he wouldn’t make it. But you were there and made sure he would make it. You always loved him more than you gave yourself credit for.

You never got a chance to go to college in the big city like you wanted. You never lived the life you deserved and I wondered how that felt. Every time I visited home, seeing you smoking your good old Camel alone next to the fence, my heart always ached a little. Knowing you could have so much more but life was hard on you.

You were good at what you do. You made good money. Your dad taught you well. Everyone in town was jealous. But they didn’t know the dream you left behind. What’s money for if you never could leave this town? Not until you still have your dad anyway.

But when you dad passed, will you still able to go? Are you still brave enough to leave everything behind and leave? When you were 18 and had nothing to your name, things weren’t so scary then wasn’t it? But you had a daughter now, you would stay for her as well wouldn’t you?

My oh my, I will never forget you that day on your 18th birthday. Young, brave with your blond hair shinning under the sunset waving your diploma at me, telling me you were leaving for forever. That was the happiest I have ever seen you.

Fiction · Life

When the time comes

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I’m very afraid of falling out of love with you. But I know it will happen one day, and I’m dreading that day. It’s probably not you and it’s probably not me. It’s just that I don’t believe in ever lasting love. And when things are not ever lasting, they will have to end one day.

When it ends, my heart will break to pieces. And maybe yours as well. I will have to pick up the pieces I have left and glued them together with my memory. I will have to tell myself that it wasn’t for nothing. I spent a big part of my life with you. We couldn’t go the whole way together but that doesn’t make you any less important. It was all for something. At that time, at that moment, everything was worth it.

But one day, maybe you or I will wake up and realize that our love has ran out. We’ll have no children to worry about. We’ll have no estate to trouble. When you no longer love me, can you let me know? It won’t be easy because you can’t make up your mind. You will still need me, but you probably don’t want me anymore. And that’s when you should let me go. And if it’s me who realizes that moment, please give me a moment to gather my courage. You used to be my everything. So please give me some time to gather enough courage to let you go. I will do it, I’ll just need some time. Because we both know it isn’t easy.

Please don’t think I’m cold hearted. When the time comes and we’ll have to split, I’ll spend days afterwards crying my heart out. I won’t be able to find joy in anything for weeks to come. But it’s the kind of necessary pain. I loved you enough to let you go, because at that time, I knew you deserved someone better than me who no longer love you.

I talked about letting you go. But I want you to know I will only let you go when I no longer love you. There will be days I love you less than others. I won’t let you go for silly reasons like that. I’ll let us go when I try my best and can’t find anything more to give. I’ll let us go when I dig deep in my heart and realize there’s no reason to continue moving on. Only then, and only then, I’ll let us go.

Fiction

Before this moment

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Before this moment

I thought I knew it all:

How it felt to hit a wall

                And having to crawl back,

how to cry when the joy was eminent,

how to be silent when the pain was rough

Before this moment

I thought my body could contain bliss,

                And handle agony

Before this moment

Before you cried and said goodbye

                While throwing your body off the bridge

Before I saw your little face disappeared into the cold pier

Before this moment

I thought I knew

what pain felt like











This poem is a response to the usual wonderful Tuesday Writing Prompt by Go dog Go cafe.

Life

I only have me

I used to date guys that are ashamed of me. Each of them did for a different reason.

One was ashamed of me because I didn’t speak flawless English. Sometimes, when I didn’t know the right words, I substituted or tried to explain or just simply waved my hands around. And he was ashamed of me for that, for the lack of knowledge when speaking in a non-mother tongue language. Nobody found that was a big problem but my then-boyfriend thought it was.

There was a time one of his friends from his hometown visited. We were walking and talking about TV shows. His friend was talking about the show called Scrubs. I said I never watched it before but I was wondering out loud why would a show about doctors called Scrubs? I thought Scrubs was as in scrubbing the floor. I still remembered my then boyfriend’s face of “how could you not know this?” disgust and confusion. Meanwhile, his friend just simply said “Ah, the uniform thingy that doctors and nurses wear, they were called Scrubs.” My then boyfriend asked me if I could go home first so he could hang out with his friend alone.

There was another one that thought I was too fat for an Asian girl. I wasn’t even 130 lbs. He was ashamed of me for not being skinny enough.

There was a time I was jokingly asked whether or not I was pretty, and he said “no.” Just a straight up no with nothing else following up. That was the first time ever in my life, someone I cared about told me I wasn’t pretty. And I always remembered that deeply because I believed I was pretty, then and now.

I broke up with all of the exes that was ashamed of me. Because the whole time, I always liked myself. My little tweaks of language here and there was the proof of me being fluent in two languages, enough to even have a college degree in a language that wasn’t even my mother tongue.

My little ‘chubby’ body was not at all unhealthy since my BMI was completely normal. I made all my meals. I worked out. I took good care of myself.

Despite all the strange point of views my then boyfriends had of me, I had never not loved myself. I had never not believed in myself. I was comfortable with who I was and I’m enjoying who I am. I hated the moments they made me wondered whether or not I was enough. It wasn’t like me to doubt myself, and I hated that somebody made me do that to me. I only have myself to carry with me through the rest of my life so I wanted to treat myself the best that I can.