Pick it up and put it down

I remembered a Chinese saying: “if you can pick it up then you can put it down.” And I always thought that was probably one of the most dignifying things a person could do.

When I was young, I have always been proud of myself for never giving up. But the older I got, the more I realized it is way harder to let go.

If that year, I had the gut to let him go early, I wouldn’t be so hateful towards him in the end. I no longer loved him. And probably did he me. But I didn’t hate him and that was the problem. I was young and didn’t learn to let go. I was told love was for forever and I believed it. Probably so did he.

We were together for way longer than we should. We stayed because of the memories, instead of the moments. I got annoyed at him. He got annoyed at me. We snapped a little here and there, but we never fought big. So we still stayed together, because who would break up over a milk cap not closed probably?

My family got some serious issues and I was upset and stressed. I was looking for him for some support but he turned me away. He basically told me to deal with it myself. Then, we broke up.

I finally did it, but you know what? I would have rather broken up over the milkcap not closed than over my heart breaking into pieces over the feeling of betrayal. I would have taken all those years back. I didn’t regret the relationship, I regretted not letting go. I picked up the relationship easily, but I didn’t have the gut to “put it down”. And it will always stay with me as a lesson from the young naive days.


To regret no more

Photo by cottonbro on

I try to not regret anything because it is useless. I’m trying to be a more efficient person so anything useless, I should no longer do. I know regretting is a waste of time. I still regret the small things. I wished I had chosen the beef when ordered earlier because this fish tasted horrible. I regretted drinking too much last night and now I had a hangover with banging headache, and I swore I would never drink again. I regretted that sentence as soon as I said it out loud. I knew very well that was not ognig to happen. I knew it is difficult to not regret anything, but I’m learning to. I’m trying. Now, I don’t regret the big decisions in my life anymore. I don’t regret staying with you through all that time. I don’t do that anymore.

It may be because time has passed and I’m not that hang up on you anymore. Time does heal everything. But I would like to think that there’s a deeper meaning to me not regretting. It’s that I’m older and wiser and I make my own choice about my feelings.

Things end badly between us. I don’t know why I have to clarify the “badly” part. If everything was still good, we wouldn’t end things. Though things end between us, the time with you was one of the best times in my life. And now I think about it, that shouldn’t be something I regret. I loved you dearly and I should be happy that I had a chance to do that. Many others didn’t even have the opportunities to love someone as deeply as I did love you. That warmth and that comfort from loving someone, I won’t forget.

Since I loved you too deeply, anyone comes after you will have to suffer my own scrutiny and comparison. But you know what, I may never feel enough again, but I’d rather have a high standard and know what true love feels like.

Talking about true love, I realize an important thing. “True love” is a process, not a term for result. I may experience true love but there’s no guarantee of “happy ever after” coming with the true love. Loving someone a lot is not a good enough indicator for a happy ending between us. I should not assume the correlation so I can be less surprised and less disappointed in the future.

I used to regret meeting you because my heart was still hurting. But now I don’t know why I regretted such thing. If I didn’t meet you, there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t meet anyone else. That guy would probably break my heart too. You are an amazing person. So I’m ok that the person breaking my heart was you. At least I know when you broke my heart, you were hurting too. That made me feel less like a fool.

So well, in conclusion, regretting can’t change anything so I’m trying to forget and forgive instead. Not you. I’m not trying to forgive you. You are no longer in my life so it’s no longer relevant what I think about you. I’m trying to forgive me, to let myself know that the decisions I made then was the best I could do. I did try my best. So I shouldn’t’ be so harsh to myself now. I should go easy on me.


Hey there, it’s Delilah

One of my favourite songs was “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s. Not long ago, I saw people singing “replies” to the song from Delilah’s perspective and I thought that was an amazing idea. So here’s a little spin on that.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens

Hey there, it’s Delilah.

I’m doing fine here. New York City is ok, just crowded and busy. I would prefer you here with me though, that will make New York City much better. But you are a thousand miles away. I dressed up so cute yesterday, going to Times Square. It’s near Christmas. Times Square was sparkling with all these pretty lights. The whole place looked so pretty during this time of the year. I wished you could be here to see it with me. How is Minnesota? Probably still freezing during the winter right? That, I don’t miss. Though, I stood around on the streets for quite a while yesterday, so I was freezing still. Probably should have worn a longer skirt.

Are you writing anything new this week? I love the last song you wrote for me. I still played it almost every night. You are right. Every time I listen to the song with my eyes closed, I felt like you were here with me, singing it to me with your guitar like you used to do back in Minnesota. That kept me warm, but missing you even more.

Baby, I know times are hard for you, with the Anchor bar dropping your band. But it will get better. One door closes means another one will open. Don’t give up. I believe in you. Things will get better. All the songs you wrote for me were always heartfelt and amazing. You have such talent. You’ll be making history with your music. Don’t ever give up.

My friends here think I am crazy, being in love with a guy in Minnesota while I’m in New York City. They say there are so many guys here and I can have anyone I want. But they don’t know what we have. They don’t know how hard it is to find someone that is worth holding on to. And you are that to me. In two more years, I’ll be done with school and we will be together. Being it is New York or Minnesota, we’ll be together. I’ll fly to you, take a train, or hell I’ll even walk if I have to. But in two years, we’ll be together, and for real this time. Wait for me.

So focus on what you need to do, write more songs, play even better music and don’t worry about me. I’ll be good. Just remember to write to me often. I’m lonely without you and your words keep me going.

Love you,

Your girl

Life · Travel

Long Distance Relationship

The moon was 238,900 miles away from the Earth.

That’s far.

But people said “I love you to the moon and back” all the time.

They would also say “From New York to California is too far.”

“Chicago to LA is too far.”

So how far would be too far for you? How much you are willing to try for love?

I have never been a fan of long distance relationship. I assumed it was hard so I never did. Always honest to myself was one of the things I always try to do. Still, I knew many of my friends tried, failed and a few of them even succeeded. Long distance relationship, like everyone already knew, included phone calls, Skype, text messages, missed promises because of “things coming up”, surprised delivered gifts, the whole usual thing.

Then I met a guy when I was traveling. I couldn’t remember his name now or even how he looked like. I just met him near the train station, decided to take a walk with him. There was always something about not being at home that encouraged people to do things they wouldn’t normally do. It wasn’t much of a special conversation, just the usual “what do you like to do in your free time?”. Until I told him, I was just visiting. I wouldn’t stay here for long. And he told me an idea of his definition of long-distance relationship that I’ve never forgotten.

If he liked me, he would be willing to have a long distance relationship, because distance wouldn’t mean much if he moved to where I lived. He would just move. He told me. All the girl needed to do was loving him. He would arrange his life to move to her.

You would drop everything? I asked

A career could be built anywhere if I am capable. True love doesn’t come by often. If I think it’s worth it, I’ll move. He told me.

He probably just bluffed to impress a girl he first met. Or he actually meant it. I remembered what he said till today not because I thought it was romantic or I hoped someone would do that for me. I remembered because after he said that, I had so many questions.

Was that the right thing to do? Would it be better to leave a career to go after love? Would it be better to go after love because career could be made anywhere? Was the guy a hopeless romantic? Or it was actually what people should do?

I couldn’t tell whether or not the decision was a good idea. But I respected the decisiveness. When a relationship became long distance, both sides knew that it would be long distance. Wouldn’t having a decision made better than just dragging out?